The following document from Buckingham Palace, signed by Her Majesty herself, has recently come into my possession. I understand that Wikileaks are absolutely livid that I got to it first.
I can't guarantee that it is genuine, but I believe it will come into effect if the USA defaults. Anyway, here it is:
Whereas Our Royal Ancestor King George III was pleased to sign the Treaty of Paris of the Year of our Lord 1783 that granted sovereignty to thirteen of Our colonies in North America . Nonetheless it is noted that Article 4 of that Treaty stated :
“It is agreed that creditors on either side shall meet with no lawful impediment to the recovery of the full value in sterling money of all bona fide debts heretofore contracted.”
It is now acknowledged that the government of those American Colonies is now unable to pay those debts.
And it is acknowledged that 25 % of Americans do not even know their country was granted independence by Our Royal Ancestor.
Therefore that treaty is now nullified, and it is Our Royal Duty to reassert Britannic Sovereignty over these impoverished and misgoverned lands.
Therefore We Solemnly Pronounce as follows:
I A NEW COLONY. All the lands of the so-called “United States of America” will become a colony of our United Kingdom, except where stated below.
II ARMED FORCES Whereas it might be normally expected that the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coastguard of the United States would resist, we are not expecting war, as their government can longer pay them. They will be invited to join our own distinguished armed forces, and keep Red , White and Blue ("These colours don't run") , and if Marines become Royal Marines, and if Navy became Royal Navy and drink rum, and if Air Force become Royal Air Force and grow mustaches , and if soldiers, wear kilts and play bagpipes and if Coastguard join the Royal National Lifeboat Institution.
However enrollment in our Armed Forces will be denied to any person who cannot pronounce "lieutenant" correctly.
III NEW CAPITAL The colonial capital will be located at Charleston, where our beloved eldest son Charles will reside as Viceroy.
IV . FORMER CAPITAL The former capital of these colonies will be renamed “New Washington” to avoid any confusion with the town in the north-east of England. The White House will be given to the National Trust.
V . CORRECT USE OF LANGUAGE. All those annoying misuses of Our English language will be decreed unlawful. Anyone writing “Color” instead of “Colour” or “Gasoline ” instead of “Petrol” will be fined. In a similar way, all unnecessary geographical terms will be replaced by their proper English equivalents. For example, the television series “Dawson’s Creek” will be renamed “Dawson’s Stream”. “
VII BROADCASTING In order to improve the state of culture in America , all TV and radio stations will be taken over by the BBC. As a first step, Rush Limbaugh's programmes will be replaced by The Archers and Desert Island Discs.
VIII NEWSPAPERS . Our initial decision was that all American newspapers would be replaced by the Sun and the News of The World, However, after careful reconsideration We are pleased to maintain the status quo on this one.
VIII CURRENCY . The dollar will be replaced by the pound. As Our Americans are used to having a low denomination banknote , “The One Dollar Note”, as a gesture of goodwill We will reintroduce a “One Pound Note”, with an image of Ourself on one side and Jesse Owens on the other.
IX FINANCE MINISTER Our Colonial Finance Minister will be former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown Esqr. as, despite the hash he made of things here, he couldn't do as badly as the US Congress. Also, as our current Prime Minister is fond of saying, people deserve a second chance.
X REDUCING THE DEFICIT . We will reduce the deficit from the fines paid on incorrect use of English (see above). Also our advisers will increase duty on Petrol from its current low level. Also to raise the rest of the cash we will sell Alaska back to the Russians. (at quite a profit)
XI HEALTH Whereas we understand that raising the tax on petrol will bring hardship to some of our poorer colonial subjects, we will save them money by introducing a National Health Service. We will appoint our beloved subject Hugh Laurie Esqr. as Colonial Minister for Health.
XII . DISPOSAL OF DISTANT TERRITORIES Some of the lands of the former United States are too far from Charleston to be governed effectively. We will therefore be pleased to dispose of some territories as follows:
i ) Small islands in the Pacific such as Guam will be given to Our loyal government in New Zealand.
ii) The states of Hawaii, Washington, plus Northern Idaho will be given to Our loyal government in Canada as We believe they are fond of pineapples, apples and potatoes .They will be renamed the Sandwich Islands, Arnold , and South British Columbia respectively.
iii ) The state of Alaska will be sold back to Russia. However We have promised to keep Mistress Sarah Palin.
iv) The island of Puerto Rico will be given to our Royal Relative Juan Carlos of Spain in exchange for Majorca and the other Balearic Islands, as they are mostly occupied by British Subjects anyway.
XIII SPORTING ACTIVITIES We are disappointed to note that the as part of their general decline , the Americans are no longer so good at sports and games. We will therefore appoint our loyal subject Colin Montgomerie as Minister for Sport to teach them better golf. We will also send a party of Welshmen to Dallas, as we think the Texans would be rather good at Rugby. However in the opposite direction we will be pleased to bestow honours on the Williams sisters and make them Dame Venus Williams and Dame Serena Williams and place them in charge of Our Lawn Tennis Association.
XIV We believe it is necessary to grant some political representation to our colonial subjects and we will therefore appoint the following persons to the House of Lords:
Neil Armstrong, Duke of Tranquillity
William Gates, Lord Digits
Michelle Obama, Countess of Chicago
Thomas Petty, Lord Heartbreaker
Bruce Springsteen, Juke of Asbury.
Tracey Ullman , Duchess of Springfield
XV RELIGION Religious freedoms will remain. However as Utah is near the edge of our new realm and has it's own ways we will make Utah into a separate British Morman Colony under the governorship of Donny Osmond. We also note that some of Our Muslim Subjects find living under our realm troubling and therefore offer them the chance to live in a new Colony of Nevada. However they will be required to allow the gaming and libertine dancing to continue, with the hope that it might broaden their outlook a trifle.
XVI HOLIDAYS . We will of couse discontinue July 4th as an American holiday. However we will introduce July 21st as a holiday to commemorate Neil Armstrong walking on the Moon, an event Our colonials should always be proud of. We will also introduce Darwin Day on February 12th, to stop America falling any further behind on science. Also....
The document I have ends at this point - clearly it continues further. I wonder what the rest of it says.
In the meantime I've heard something interesting about Greece, and the Ottoman Empire.....
